Diary of a(n almost) Due Date

3am: Woken by baby bouncing on bladder. Groan and heave self from bed. Remind self to hold onto walls on way to bathroom as balance is way off. Return to bed, return to same stupid sleeping position that causes sore hips but is only position left at this stage.

5am: Repeat of above.

6am: Repeat of above.

7am: Partner gets up for work. Decide that have become too uncomfortable to stay in stupid bed. Construct couch fortress consisting of 2 pillows, 1 maternity pillow, 4 cushions, 1 quilt and 1 purring cat. Burrow into said fortress. Farewell partner as he heads off to work. Snooze. Congratulate self on having the foresight several years ago to buy a reclining couch.

11am: Manage to get dressed. Overcome by nostalgia for the days of putting on socks without groaning. Stagger into nursery. Stare at hospital bags. Contemplate opening them to check contents. Decide this is crazy as have already checked, double-checked and re-checked. Step away from the bags. Open drawers and stare at weeny folded socks and singlets.

1pm: Visit from sister. Tell her that it feels as though the baby will never come, and that this pregnancy has no foreseeable end. 
 

2pm: Feel uncontrollable urge to buy vast amounts of cat food for pantry so that the cats don't starve to death whilst in hospital. Realise partner is quite capable of buying cat food, but unable to resist. Drive to local grocer. Reflect on lowered standards- eg have transformed from person who never went out in trackpants into person who always goes out in trackpants. Forced to engage in conversation with jolly shop assistants who offer tried-and-true methods to bring on birth. Commend self on appearing interested and open to suggestions when actually feel like throwing gourmet spice cookies at their heads. Locate cat food and fill basket. Find self standing in front of lolly section staring at selection like a crazy person. Give self stern talking to and go to fruit section. Return to lolly section. Self-talk sternly some more and go to check out. Realise family pack of party-mix lollies has appeared in basket. What? When? When? Do not have the strength to return them. Shop assistant asks how many cats one has. Valid question, given quantity of cat food am purchasing.

3pm: Partner returns from work. Excitedly attempt to run to door to greet him but end up doing a somewhat hasty waddle instead. 

6pm: Cook dinner. Reflect on the good old days when it was easy to get things from the bottom drawers in the kitchen.

8pm: Watch movie in which someone gives birth. Overcome by emotion. Cry into couch pillow fortress. Cat abandons self in disgust.

9pm: Practise yoga birthing positions, aided by partner. Share current theory with him that baby will never, ever arrive and instead am doomed to wander/waddle/stagger around in pain and discomfort forever. Am assured that this is ridiculous. Emerge from couch pillow fortress, have big cuddle, laugh together and reflect on our journey and how amazing it is that we are so close to the end now. Realise that of course baby will arrive, and that it will all be worth it. Resolve to hang in there and keep trying to make the best of things. 

9.30pm: Congratulate self on having foresight to buy lollies.